Yeahhh! Get up! Don't be VIBIN' YEAHHH....

So, I'm trying to buy a sample CD or download pack comprised entirely of high quality vocal samples.

You might think that would be a relatively simple procedure; welcome to Wrong Town.

I'm really after stuff that would be useful for modern trance and progressive, so I'm well aware that the classic old Zero G output ("Ooh baby, yeah! In my car! Yeah! Bouncin'!") simply won't cut it.

My first instinct was to go for an ethnic or Celtic vocal collection: I'm getting a massive load of pleasure out of Quantum Leap RA at the moment, so I thought about plumping for Voices of Passion.

My problem here, is that this product has probably got the most negative reviews of any recent East West library. The crux seems to be the lack of interactivity - it's just a glorified sample CD with a big hefty front-end. This is not too much an issue for me, though - I just want some nicely recorded phrases and "ahhss" to lob in as FX or colour. It's £280 from DV247 which is just on the cusp of what I'd consider to be a sensible amount (especially taking into consideration that one might purchase an Asus EEE for a very similar number of coins.)

This dilemma got me thinking - I could really just use a straight-up-and-down sample CD without any ROMpler pretensions for this task. Off I toddle to Time and Space where I'm suddenly presented with an array of options.

And that's when lighting strikes really close to my house and I decide to turn off my computer and hide in the cupboard.

Back now. So here we have the following things:

Vengeance Vocal Essentials
Over 1500 awesome club vocals from the Underground

[Now, I'd trust Mr Manuel Schleis when it came to a nice whumpy kick drum with a little clicky top end on it, but expressive vocal performances? Hmm. But let's check out the demo:

"Chicka-chicka {whump} {munchy-munchy} Keep-eep movin' {really terrifying fake-electro advert-music} {nice proggy bit with some inaudible vocals} {"Vengeance," says the lightly-retarded child} {sort of appalling Girls Aloud bit} {that endlessly-overused "what you think that we think is cool" sample} {some sort of stupid booty house bit} {really great bassline bit - should nick that} {Public Enemy "BASS" sample - I can't bring myself to buy anything that has that sample on it} {stupid minimal bit - minimal, please leave me alone} BAM bee bey bo bop {some really obviously copyright movie sample} Entoobe stump man entoobe stum man, entoobe stump man; any-ha ha- hum hump hump; erk erk erk..." (There's more, believe me.)

I must admit that I'm tempted, but it's totally swayed me from my original course. I want ethereal floaty tones not someone ordering me to "jack" or a mumbling German robot fumbling its way through a restaurant menu.

Next.

Soundscan Vol 18 - Funky Vocals (V2)
Melodies, phrases and soulful wails

[Dear god, no.]

Soundscan Vol 28 - Acoustic & Synth Choirs
Childrens, male, female and synth choir patches

[Meh, bought Symphonic Choirs about a month ago. Damn you, Word Builder, and all your progeny.]

Ultimate Vocals Vol 1
More than 350 vocal fragments and 20 entire composed songs

[Hmm, could be a possibility.]

"aaahhhh-Connected prezents...one hour offf ther best vwocals (OOOHOHHOHOWOHOO) bites (I'VE GOT THAT FEELING) and songs to use."

[Songs to use? Huh? The only time I can remember using a song is when I used Hi Aaron by Venetian Snares and Speedranch as a tool for playing at high volume in order to disrupt the perpetual flow of Can't Get You Out of My Head by Kylie which seemed to emanate unendingly from the room adjacent to mine in the second year of university.

Anyway, the rest of this is horrifying Deutshestechnohousebeatsja. Despite the fact that my occasional employers at Computer Music called this a "brilliantly convenient disc", I'm not sure I need a European lady informing me that the "world is longer than before". I thought flat-earth-theory had departed from the continent along with local currencies, but that's clearly not the case. Also, seventy quid is too much just for brilliant convenience: ASDA has brilliant convenience, but it's still packed full of grey-tracksuit-bottom-wearing, lurching human failure.

Dance Ultra Voice
500MB of various vocals & vocal FX-samples

[I'm starting to wane now, but let's give this a go.]

More Euro-stompen from Das Haus von Mutekki. It's a bit....rubbish really. I mean, I suppose you could make pretty decent hardcore out of this, which is the only attraction.

Oh, if you're bored, listen to this demo for the man I like to call "sexy Danish Bono" who appears around 1:36.

So I leave Time and Space (or should that be Time + Space? The "and" is so much less 1994, so I can totally see why they eschew it) for the time being, because I get distracted by the bright shininess of this "MASSIVE FOUR CD-ROM SET" which also seems to be from 1994.

Spectrasonics Symphony of Voices looks totally awesome, but (you're not going to believe this) it's only in Akai or Roland format. Yes, that's right, Akai or Roland format. Suddenly we all go spiralling back to the land of SCSI cables, single-digit RAM and waiting for things to load. Oh, oh pass me that PATCH CABLE MOTHER IT'S TIME TO USE ANOTHER SYNTHESIZER FROM THE SYNTH ROOM. Honestly - you'd think someone could take the five hours it would need to convert this into WAV just to make a new product...but no. You really can't buy this CD as audio or WAV. The mind boggles.

If anyone out there knows where I might come by a vocal sample CD which...

1.) Isn't complete tut.
2.) Could not possibly be described as "funky".
3.) Isn't a giant bloated ROMpler.
4.) Has good Celtic and or Eastern vocals on it.

...do give me a shout.

As a side note, I'm currently checking out DMS's strikingly-named "Wolsfraektroes Music World Loops" as it promises vocals. I'm always scared of the term "World Music"; it just makes me think of Damon Albarn side-projects and Peter Gabriel resting his hand on the head of an African child. Don't get me wrong, there's some great things which have been lobbed into the patronising maw of World in the past (see Baaba Maal), but in general...wow. Drumming ensembles, just hush now.